An incident at midnight

I want to buy a gun. Are they very costly? What about small, second-hand ones?

Sometimes one reads and tries to understand a philosophy and then starts feeling that it contains the solution to all the problems of the world. Earlier I used to brush away Gandhism like almost everyone from my generation and used to call अहिंसा, cowardice Later, in recent years, I learnt to appreciate the depth and power of his philosophy. I marvelled at the man’s vision. I started feeling that Gandhism, non violence, सत्याग्रह, decentralisation were the only answer if violence in the world has to stop. I have gone back to disagreeing with this.
If the world were even slightly better, if people were a little less helpless and dissatisfied than they are right now, it might’ve actually worked.


When he talked of non-violence, was Gandhi talking of rape too? Was he saying that if a woman is assaulted and forced against her will to give pleasure to some sicko, she should submit non-violently and in due course of time, the evil doer will realise his mistakes and reform? Would he say that if he has fucked you from the front, turn around and let him fuck you from behind. Then he will be ashamed and eventually, he will realise his mistake and correct himself?

This sounds gross. And any positive result out of this is obviously impossible in front of a rapist. In individual cases of violence, अहिंसा is of no use. (Unless one takes the long term view that if enough individuals die protesting non-violently, then one day after a lot of people are dead, things may get better.) It may be useful in political scenarios but it has a slim chance, given the level of insensitivity and greed among the ‘powerful.’

Today, I found myself scanning the papers specifically for rape and molestation reports. I tormented myself with the thought that in other circumstances, this report would’ve been about me. The newspaper would’ve impersonally referred to me as ‘a student studying at the prestigious Film Institute’ or if they had more regard for my privacy, they would’ve just referred to me as 'a young, female student.' These thoughts are not leaving my mind, even though comparatively, yesterday’s incident was quite mild. The bastard was not even aggressive. He was desperate, but not desperate enough. I yelling for a watchman, who might not even have heard me, was enough to scare him off. But I froze at the thought: what if there would’ve been more than 1 of them?

Then I keep imagining how I would’ve beat the shit out of him- kicked him so hard in the balls that everything there would’ve been smashed, banged his bike so that he fell and then run him over with my kinetic, swing my bag at him and gouge his eyes out with my keys…. It is endless. But I know how weak in the knees I went and I know that given my physical prowess and lack of any kind of training and fitness, he could’ve overpowered me almost effortlessly. Plus, his sick lust might’ve given him more energy and I might’ve gone weak with shock/ fear.

All this is my overactive mind building stories. But yesterday, when I sat shivering in my house at 1 am talking to my female friend on phone and crying, I felt a tiny sliver of the fear, horror, revulsion and pain that women go through every (some random, bizarre statistic)th second. And it was the worst feeling I have ever experienced.

The most logical advice I will get from almost all quarters is to just avoid (rather, minimise) such situations and not venture out after some ‘safe’ hour of the night and go anywhere only by the main road. Till yesterday I was always proud of my बिनधास्त attitude-my kinetic was my steed and I rode the roads of Pune at any hour- night or day, feeling invincible because of my speed on dark, empty roads. I was stupid and over confident.

But if I listen to these words of sensible caution and change my lifestyle- not venture out after 11 pm or make my guy-friends drop me or follow me home, then with what face can I talk about Feminism, write or make films on women’s issues? I know that being free doesnt mean being reckless, but if I am bowing to 'सातच्या आत घरात' if avoidance is the solution rather than confrontation, then my life is already set. By 'God’s' grace, I have a loving and egalitarian boyfriend who respects me and my work and who I know, will share all the duties of a home and family with me. So I will not have the usual problems of chauvinism in my life. I can shut my trap about this topic forever and live a relatively safe, peaceful and even happy life ahead. Afterall, there are so many topics to make films on.

But I will be running away from facing and fighting these issues like almost everyone else. And then, I have no right to equality if I do not behave equal. If I cannot stand alone as an individual, I have no right to demand to be treated as one. I will then concede to behave secondary- overtly I will be the modern, working woman but not-so-deep inside I will be dependent, protected, scared. My mind goes to the extent of saying that I shouldn't be offended at sexist jokes, I shouldn't demand to give my opinion or take big decisions on my own then.

People might say that I am overreacting. But if this means that I am going to live the rest of my life deluding myself that I am independent, then I want to overreact.
So where does that leave me?


Today morning, I googled for self defense classes in Pune and if this feeling remains in me for longer, (even right now I cannot guarantee my drive, because time softens horror) I might go ahead and learn some techniques which might help me atleast run away to the nearest source of help or just get as far away from him as possible and wait trembling till help arrives.
I also exercised, did some stretching and vowed to take better care of my fitness and nutrition. (I haven’t had breakfast yet.)

But what will I really do if I go out now and see that guy chatting with his friends on the street corner? Will I go and call the police? Will I go upto him, slap him and give him a piece of my mind? Will I take my boyfriend and threaten him while my boyfriend punches him for ‘daring to trouble his girl’? I don’t know what I will do. Most likely, I will do none of these. Most likely, he will look back at me, shamelessly, right into my eyes and drive away.

But I still like to imagine that I will atleast go upto him in the light of day, slap him, yell and scream, collect a crowd and we will all punish him with blows together. Maybe, I will go to the watchman in that locality and tell him to look out for such guys? But the watchman usually looks weaker than me, probably has very little food or sleep and he will tell me directly or subtly to behave according to my role as a woman and not stay out late. And the lesser said about the police, the better.

So I want to buy a gun. But what if I have been to a late night film? They check bags there and I can’t keep a gun with me. Then I have to find a secret place to keep the gun….

This endless spiral of thought brings me to the cliched reality that the world is fucking unfair and that your life can be transformed irrevocably within seconds. And you can do nothing about it.

Pessimism and Cynicism Disclaimers.